Tuesday, 09 December 2008

• Battling myself in the midst of a hurricane...

  Overload.

  Just ship me off to a beach somewhere with just me and peace. Well--some music in the background would be ideal ( I love music<3).

  I've been getting easily overwhelmed with my thoughts lately, and I'm not a fan...I'd rather not think of things being so complicated. I wish everything was simple...but life is so complex I feel like its nearly impossible for me to live simply. I've been letting ME get the best of me...I've been overanalyzing everything, driving myself half-insane. And these are the times when I feel like I need a serious reality check. But I don't even know where to begin, because I'm already so deep in my self-consuming thoughts. You ever get that way? Your head is just so deep into mumble jumble that you are wasting your brain energy when all you need to do is just DEAL with issues instead of DWELLING on them. I'm a hardcore "dweller" from way back. I tend to get fixated on the things that I have done, said, or promised and I can't seem to deal with it or move on in the right way. I feel like its time to bring another perspective in on this..talking it out to someone objective I think would really benefit me right now. Because right now, anything I do or say, I'm being careful about saying it around "this" or "that" person, because I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them...But I desperately want to express my TRUE inner feelings. Sometimes I think that people won't understand them though...Anyone reading this right now is probably really confused. haha. It's ok if you can't follow, I just need to outlet in this post...

  Another thing I feel like I'm struggling with right now is my capability to live my life without being selfish about it. Or inconsiderate of other people's feelings...I still feel bad if I'm the cause of someone not being happy or pleased with me..that guilty feeling is the worst feeling ever. Taking other people's feelings onto yourself and having it affect the way you make desicions--dangerous concept. How can anyone live and pay attention to what they are truly feeling inside themselves when they are consumed by everyone elses emotions. It drives me to the point where I get frustrated or push away the people that I care about because I can't take all the emotion. I have alot I still need to deal with emotionally...so when anyone else trys to express there's..I practically run away, cause I just don't want to take it on and add it to the "pile". Then I come off as mean and selfish....when really I'm just trying to heal what's going on inside myself. That's the only way I'm going to be able to have successful relationships with people, is if I deal with whats going on in my heart and mind first. I need to base my desicions on God...not people. I know that God won't steer me wrong.

  I'll get back to the "saving face" again in a future post, I just needed to vent out

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